If you’re like me, you hate conflict. Hate having to deal with it. When I became an HR professional, dealing with conflict was one of the periodic tasks I faced.

One employee had had a relationship with another woman. The second ended the relationship. The first began showing up during the night shift, when her former “girlfriend” worked. When the girlfriend complained, I called the first employee into a conference room.

“I understand you’ve been showing up during night shift and your friend has complained. You need to stop.”

Her voice was hostile. “What I do on my own time is none of your business.”

“You are absolutely correct,” I responded. “Until you bring it into the workplace. Then it becomes my business. And you’ve brought it into the workplace. If you don’t stop, we’ll take further action.”

The night visits stopped. Incredibly, several months later, that same woman came to ask me for help in a task she needed to complete. I helped her, amazed she would ask me.

I had spoken the truth straightforwardly, but without judgment. God had guided my words and my response to her and somehow, I think she respected me for that.

When the Workplace Becomes a Battleground

One of my HR staff members stabbed me in the back repeatedly. She and I had very different work ethics, as well as a personality clash. I knew I would face the same every day … looks behind my back, negative talk about me to others in the company, including her buddy, the President, whose children she babysat. I was definitely on the outs with that relationship.

The Oak that Became My Sanctuary

Every day for weeks, I picked up a salad at McDonald’s, then sat across from a beautiful, spreading oak that reminded me of the scripture that “they shall be like the oaks of Mamre” (implication: strong, sturdy, steady).

I’d eat my salad, then pull out my Bible, always turning to the Psalms. And every day God reminded me that the battle was not mine, but his. Scriptures like this one ministered to me.

“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him …”

—Psalm 37:5-7a

I’m far from perfect, but this subterfuge and betrayal were personal. But every day it seemed God said, “Wait. I will handle this.”

I Waited.

I finally told my boss that either she left, or I would. He and I worked well together, so he transferred her to the accounting department, since she handled payroll. Soon after, the accounting manager found this young woman had paid herself nine extra weeks of vacation. As soon as the President learned she had stolen from him, she was fired.

God was faithful. I didn’t have to fight, but watched as He fought this battle for me.

Refusing to respond to hostility in kind is not a normal response. But it is Christlike.

 So how do we handle conflict with courage and a God-honoring attitude? The apostle Paul challenges us this way:

“Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

—Romans 12:17-18, emphasis added

Paul hit on a key point in the scripture above. Another translation says, “As much as it depends on you, live at peace…”

 At times, conflict requires immediate action: abuse of yourself or a family member means you must get out of that situation and allow God to deal with the individual without your presence. Intervention may involve talking to school authorities or calling the police. It might mean going to a women’s shelter while you sort out your next steps.

Jesus Confronted Sin

He was no stranger to confrontation. He turned over the tables of the money changers who were cheating people in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus also confronted the hypocrisy of religious leaders who spoke against him for healing on the Sabbath (Mark 3:1-6; Luke 13:10-17). But in contrast to these direct confrontations, when Jesus was personally attacked, he remained silent.

What should we do when we find ourselves in the middle of a painful or heated conflict? Here are six principles I’m learning along the way.

1. Don’t allow bitterness to take root in my heart. 

Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you.”

—Hebrews 12:15).

If I don’t actively eradicate it, bitterness will damage both me and those around me, me most of all. I’ve found I need to ask God to keep my heart from hardening toward those who’ve hurt me.

2. Examine my heart before addressing another’s faults.

Jesus challenges us:

“Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye”

—Matthew 7:5

Before focusing on another’s faults, I need to perform a “logectomy” on myself.

3. Recognize what is mine to change.

I am not responsible for others’ reactions to me, but I do own my attitude and behavior. I can ask myself, Where do I need to take responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? Have I done all I can to achieve reconciliation?

When we become vulnerable before God and ask him to hold up the mirror to us, we see that rarely do we handle situations perfectly. We can always learn something about our behavior to help us grow.

4. Pray that my response to conflict reflects God’s grace.

When I asked God to keep me calm during several times of conflict, including with family, his faithfulness was amazing. Despite aggressive accusations, I was able to respond to questions with honesty, directness, and a gentle spirit that I knew was an answer to my prayer for grace.

5. Find common ground.

Can I discover anything in common with the person with whom I’m in conflict? What values do we share (family, friendships, pets, hobbies)?

As you can, develop those.

6. Love and pray for my “enemies.”

Even if the other person never responds, I can continue praying for her, about the situation, and asking that I would constantly grow to be like Jesus in the midst of the most difficult adversity.

“Love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven.”

—Matthew 5:44-45

 God’s Grace in Adversity

Because I’m called to obey, I pray that God will soften my sometimes crusted-over heart. I also pray for God’s blessing and guidance in the lives of those with whom I have unresolved conflict.

So when I face adversity, I wrestle with my anger until I confess and allow God to provide grace to reflect his love, regardless of my circumstances. He is faithful to grant the wisdom I need for each situation. I need only to humble myself and pray, Yes, Lord, here we are again. Change my heart. And with God’s help I can choose to behave with grace in any situation.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.”

—Ronald Reagan