Last week we talked about the value of friendships. Now Let’s look at friendship’s foundations. I’d like to share several tips to build lasting bonds.

Our culture presents so many distractions to maintaining close ties:

• Life-course changes like marriage, parenthood, geographical moves, and retirement, affect friendship patterns. Two of my closest friends moved out of state within a few months of each other. Ouch!
• Misunderstandings can break friendships. Forgiveness may become difficult if the issues aren’t addressed.
• Our busy, multi-faceted lives keep us (me) from maintaining friendships as deeply as we would like. They also interrupt the ability to drop in to see each other, or to easily plan get-togethers.

So how can we develop and maintain strong friendships? I face the same issues you may deal with to stay connected in meaningful ways.

Friendship, a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span. www.Britannica.com

Here are a few tips I gleaned from asking some of my friends their opinions.

Be Intentional and Plan Time for Your Friends

I have a second cousin in Canada with whom I share a lot in common. Faith, family, concern for our world situations. We used to FaceTime regularly but, with two busy schedules, health challenges, etc. we’ve recently neglected our times together. This week I wrote and told her I miss her. We now have a date on the calendar. I have other friends with whom I need to do the same.

Put dates on your calendar. It’s so easy to say “Let’s get together” and then not follow through. Instead, “Let’s get together. What’s your availability in the next three weeks?” Otherwise, busyness simply envelops us and suddenly there is no more open time.

Prioritize/Value Your Friendships

How important is it to you to maintain those friendships? Who are the people you can turn to in a crisis, whether it’s an ill child, loss of a spouse, or a critical personal issue? If we want others to be available to us as needed, we need to be the same for them. Another friend sat at my feet and listened as I told her about the day my first husband passed away. No “let’s fix it,” just listening in a comforting way that told me I was heard. And I have listened to her in a difficult season of life. There is a reciprocity about close friendships.

Communicate

Communication requires self-disclosure and emotional support. This may be tenuous. If you and your friend are on different pages politically or spiritually, can you still talk about those or are some topics off-limits?

I have several friends with whom I disagree on significant issues. With some, we can dialogue. With others, we’ve decided the relationship is more important than our differences and so, some topics are off limits as we enjoy our conversations about families, friends, activities, priorities.

Respect and trust each other

Respect treats the friend well, even when there are differences. It does not insist on its own way. I Corinthians 13:4-7, the Apostle Paul’s love chapter, describes close friendships as well as love relationships.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

One of my favorite quotes about love (which includes friendship) which aligns with the scripture above, is from a child who said,

You know they love you when your name is safe in their mouth.

Frequency of contact

In reality, it’s easier to maintain friendships with those nearby, i.e. same community or church, than with those farther away. However, with a long-standing friendship, you may not need to interact very frequently to maintain those friendships. I’m amazed at the times old friends and I get together and just pick up where we left off the last time we were together.

I reconnected with my best college buds a few years ago and, despite the years between our communications, we are now again closely bound together, supporting one of our number who was widowed during COVID-19, and is now marrying a man we all knew in college!

Resolve Conflict

Have you lost a friendship because of conflict? I have. It’s painful. Conflict is less prevalent in new friendships, as two people learn to know each other. It is more likely as friends know each other better. Choose friendship. Forgive and ask forgiveness when needed. https://www.carolloewen.com/forever-friends/

Enjoy common interests and faith

Many of our closest friends are from our faith community, whether locally or further away. Discussing our relationship with God, participating in worship together deepen our connections.

Have fun!

Do you enjoy going to a movie, out to coffee, or hiking with a friend? Shopping? Visiting local smal towns? Make time for these.

The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV

Are you better for being together with this friend? Is she or he able to uplift you as well as challenge you to grow in areas where you don’t exhibit either the love of God or respect for your fellow man?

Jesus Calls us Friends if we Obey Him

Jesus said, “You are my friends if you do what I command.” John 15:14 NIV. He calls his followers “friends!”

I found a fascinating read on Friendship (from childhood through adulthood) at www.britannia.com/topic/friendship

We’ve looked today at building lasting bonds of friendship, from respect, communication and trust to other aspects of close friendships. Next week I’ll talk about how friendships end, and how to move forward after the loss of a friend.