“I need to talk to you about something,” my friend told me as we sat together.

“Did I do something that hurt you?” I asked.

“It’s not something you did. It’s just … this is hard for me because I know how precious your doggies are to you, but …” Tears shone in her eyes.

I could see how hard it was for my friend to say something that might hurt me.

“I’d rather not have them in my new house. I don’t know if they’ll have an accident or scratch the wood floors or the door. You mean a lot to me and I know this is a little thing, but if I don’t bring it up it could become a big irritant.”

Listen with an Open Heart

I’d taken the dogs to visit before, and they were usually well behaved. However, Kelly had scratched my friend’s door at her prior house, and accidents do happen.

I was sorry I hadn’t realized how much this had bothered my friend. Don and I have chuckled over the difference between “our girls” (Kelly and Paige) and someone else’s dogs. Somehow when they’re your own, they become family and you put up with shedding and with some behaviors you wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else’s pets.

But why should someone else treat my dogs as I do? My friend has paid kind attention to “the girls” when in our home; but she has every right to choose not to have them in hers. There are other kinds of conflicts that can separate close friendships, even within a ministry. See my attached blogpost near the end of this one.

We Said No Too

I remember when Don and I said no to someone who wanted to rent our guest house with her dog. Why? Because her dog is not our dog. We don’t know him. We want the guest house to be refreshing and sparkling, and not cause any allergic reactions for those who stay there.

So how can I resent my girlfriend’s comment that she prefers I not bring my dogs to her house? Our friendship is far more important to me than whether or not I can bring my dogs into her home.

Compassion

Listen and Trust your Friendship

I told my friend I might need to process her comments but appreciated her telling me the truth because …

… that’s what friends do.

* They speak the truth. It may be over an offense. Perhaps it’s a challenge to a friend to live as Christ calls us to live, rather than being absorbed with our selfish desires.
* They say the difficult things. A book called “In His Steps,” first published in 1896, is still in circulation today. A pastor challenges his congregation to ask the question “What would Jesus Do?” before taking action. The book is still relevant and impactful today with its messsage of love, forgiveness and social responsibility. Can we challenge each other like this?
* And the ones who hear work to accept those difficult statements.

Resolving Conflict Often Gives us Greater Understanding

If we never raise issues of potential conflict our friendships will remain on the surface. It’s when we can give and receive truth, spoken in love, that our friendships deepen. And yes, I had to work through my feelings (“how could she not want my sweet girls? They’re family”) to recognize they’re my family. Not hers!

The older I get the more I realize how imperfect I am, saved only by the grace and mercy of Almighty God. And, even as my husband and close friends accept me with both weaknesses and strengths, so I need to extend that accepting love to others. We will have differences, we will at times disagree, but can continue to love, respect, and enjoy each other, even as we learn from each other.

I’m glad my friend kindly spoke the truth to me because…that’s what friends do.